I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
