my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
