You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
