Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
tonight lets celebrate not being married
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
