There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
