Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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