just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Randomize
