honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
and you fell through a lawn chair
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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