I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
