i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Drunk is a universal language darling
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
