you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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