my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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