The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
