Your dad touched me again.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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