No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
