you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
