somebody snuck up and got me drunk
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
