Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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