Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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