yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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