You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
