so let's talk penis.
My pussy is not your playground.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
