The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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