i love accidental penises.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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