I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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