my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
