You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
