She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
