when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
