i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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