don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
