I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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