Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
