Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
