Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
