Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
