We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
