i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He shit in the fireplace
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
