i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
