I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize