I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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