I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
