thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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