i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
