I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
