I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Randomize
