Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
