I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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