question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
