my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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